Once unavoidable in corridors, reports now suggest that many workers can go weeks without seeing a senior executive's grey hair.
Tarquin Bedfellow, senior fellow at the Association of Native Geriatric Leadership in Organisations (ANGLO), said that the exclusion of global minorities like white men is inexcusable.
“The white male board director is under attack, under threat, and under-paid,” he said, speaking to HR magazine by telegraph.
“These old lions once ruled the corporate savannah,” he added.
“Now they control a measly 70% of all board seats.”
Missy O'Gynist, traditional values advocate and anti-suffrage activist, told HR magazine that women and minorities should stop demanding a place at the table, no matter how much they have earned it.
O’Gynist told HR magazine: “Simply put, there are things that men – and white men – do better.
“You can’t ignore the fact that men have bigger hands – men were born to shake hands. Shaking hands is all there is to business, and that’s that.”
She added: “White men are also the ultimate explainers.
“My husband has explained literally everything to me. Even when I knew it already, he explained it to me again – that’s how good he is.”
Boardrooms should therefore reverse the trend, she said, and hire her husband.
“He’s only got three years left on his disqualification from being a director – so there’s three years left to act.”
One unintended side-effect of increasing diversity in British boardrooms has been the flood of linen-clad retirees headed abroad.
Buffone D'Aprile, who has lived his whole life in Tuscany, said he was at his wits’ end and might have to move away.
Audibly weeping, he told HR magazine that there were no hill-top villas left.
He said: “More come every year.
“Soon they will come down the slopes and live in our houses, too – it’s bad enough that they make me do the ‘Mario’ voice at the restaurant, now I’ll have to do it at home.
“Please – just take your directors back, put them on your boards. We have enough here!”
April fools!
The real lowdown on diversity in leadership:
UK boardrooms could reach gender equality by 2027
