These women are often successful ambitious go-getters who simultaneously can negate the need for closeness and reject any notion that they could experience themselves as anxious or vulnerable. While they often excel at work, they may struggle to identify emotional cues or display empathy.
If you were to challenge their behaviours you may be met with denial and strong resistance, which could affect working and personal relationships. This difficulty of entering and sustaining a close relationship can mean that women with intimacy disorders throw themselves into their career at the expense of relationships with others.
What are intimacy disorders?
Intimacy disorders can sometimes be poorly defined. However, they describe a category of behavioural and mental health issues that includes sex addiction, relationship addiction, love addiction and love anorexia. People with intimacy disorders may find it difficult to develop, maintain and express appropriate types and levels of intimacy. Someone who struggles with an intimacy disorder may have trouble relating to other people and forming relationships and bonds.
They may desperately seek affection and intimacy while simultaneously feeling different or abnormal for wanting it, pushing people away who get close. Other people may avoid forming bonds at all costs, since doing so makes them feel very uncomfortable. Intimacy disorders often have their roots in unresolved trauma such as emotional abandonment or physical abuse, and the disorder is driven by an underlying insecurity of the interactions that form the basis for close relationships.
For many women with intimacy disorders the fear of being 'found out' isolates them from the compassionate help they need from trained professionals and therapists. Many can be in denial around the depth of the issues that are going on but there are usually key indicators of a problem.
Signs and symptoms that may indicate intimacy disorders include:
- Unease or discomfort expressing personal need.
- Inability to establish close or intimate relationships with other people within the workforce.
- Uncomfortable with the emotions of exchanging personal information with team members.
- Unease or discomfort about sharing personal goals with colleagues.
- Lack of empathy to others and problems communicating feelings in intimate situations.
These signs can be picked up by other colleagues and can be an indication that something is occurring. It is very important to have an open channel within the team as this can make a real difference when offering support.
How HR can support employees suffering from intimacy disorders
Be clear about the support the individual can expect from the organisation should they ask for help and acknowledge that the employee and the employer have important parts to play in optimising workforce health and wellbeing. Ensure you set out a clear and concise plan that both can contribute to in an achievable way. It should include the individual being supported, but also the manager who is supporting the member of staff who is struggling.
- Remember your role is not to provide counselling, in fact it is unethical for you to do so if you are in a managerial relationship with your employee.
- When discussing their work stay focused on performance objectives. Do not open discussions of character or personality.
- Listening is different from counselling and is an essential skill for maintaining a positive relationship in the workplace. You are not expected to solve your employees’ personal problems yourself, however you can direct them to appropriate resources.
Having a list of resources available, both within and outside of your organisation, can help employees make decisions about where to seek assistance. Staff often don’t want to use the resources that are provided as they think it will get fed back to their organisation, so it is a good idea to signpost to appropriate support services that are not linked to the workplace. It is important that HR selects external support services that offer client anonymity and privacy. Also look for a treatment provider that provides ongoing support and aftercare for when the employee returns to work.
Paula Shields is programme director at the newly-launched Rise programme at The Cabin Group
