Its hazardous in two ways: first, they stick with you for a long time. Some of my early relationships are still continuing even though we now work in separate companies, and in so doing can take up large amounts of time, always at the point when you seem least to have it. Second, the newer generations in particular seem to be far more demanding of answers and advice.
It is this issue that I find interesting, particularly as it relates to career decisions. It is easy to give answers and advice. If I were you or In your position are lines one often hears falling from experienced lips, yet here is the hidden hazard: mentors are often powerful people who can have, for better or worse, an impact on a life for a very long time. Call me a coward, but I have made it my business never to give career advice.
As far as I can remember, I have never used my role as a mentor to convert anyone to a particular course of action. I do try and give advice on how to handle the organisation and how to resolve work issues or personal issues that have an impact on work, but at the end of the day someone elses life decision is theirs, not mine even if they make a decision that I disagree with.
Shouldnt a mentor point out the error and try and correct it? Well there are ways of getting people to face up to the consequences of their potential action approaches that can get the individual themselves to assess the risks and implications. But, after all, if their assessment is not the one you would reach, I firmly believe you should let them proceed. I construct powerful questions about which the individual needs to satisfy themselves before making a decision. Subsequently, I ask them to think through the
implications of making a decision and I will make it plain that, whatever the call, I will be available to spend time both then and afterwards.
This is what builds trust in a mentoring relationship for the longer term. Yes, Ive had a couple of people who have made dubious decisions, have come to realise it and have had to deal with the repercussions. I have also known a couple of people who took decisions I would not have done and have succeeded hugely. Not everyone will succeed taking the same approach and attitude as you.
Making this approach work comes down to the process of mentor selection or rather the non-process of mentor selection. I have never been part of a formal mentoring process. People have chosen me, often not even signalling initially that they want to develop a longer-term mentoring association. Mentoring is like marriage. The chances of a successful relationship in either case arising out of an arrangement made for two people who havent met, or know each other only slightly, are considerably less than those coming from a mutual recognition that you have enough in common to build a successful partnership.
Its not something that starts from the first meeting, it is something you do well after building a trusting and mutually respectful relationship. If I dont respect someone, I dont build a mentoring relationship with them. In an early conversation I make it clear that the advice and answers will have to come from themselves, by getting them to do the work and map out their own approaches. Much of this is about building their confidence in their own judgment.
This is very tough for early-career managers who are looking for quick fixes. Often they havent the breadth of experience with which to compare options, or the depth to understand the outcomes. In the longer term, making them do the work and find their own answers to the big questions is critical in developing mature, self-confident managers who understand how to use others, including their mentors, to get better answers to any issue, be it functional, managerial or personal.
Mentoring is a singularly unselfish occupation. The role of mentor is one that you do not choose for yourself, but one that is chosen for you by another person. However, building it and accepting it is an immense responsibility. A key part of that responsibility is to hold back from trying to run someone elses life for them.
chris.bones@haynet.com
Chris Bones is group organisation effectiveness and development director, Cadbury Schweppes
